Friday, March 5, 2010

Control is what I lack.

Control is what I lack. I sit at a table and stare blankly at a wall. All of a sudden I see myself pick up a sledgehammer and rage against the wall. Over and over again. I hate the wall. If that wall were dead I would feel some release from the rage inside me. I want it to hurt me when I kill the wall. I want to be in a fight and overcome with some cost to myself. I have already paid so much. Just a little more and maybe everything could be made right. The hero emerges bloodied and bruised but always victorious. I am bloodied and bruised but not victorious. But I was a slave to sin and now I am a slave to Christ. It isn't about me and what I think is right. God help me get through this, because my rage takes my eyes off of you. I cannot imagine what you went through when you gave up your son. Thank you.

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